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10 Clever Ways to Drop Those Excess Holiday Pounds

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isafmedia, Flickr

The holidays are behind us and perhaps the only thing more disappointing than the awful gift from your Aunt Beatrice — seriously, a tie? — is the fact all the eating you did is starting to show in what used to be your washboard abs.

If you see more numbers when you step on the scale than you do when you look at your paycheck, it may be time to face the dreaded “d” word – diet. Before you start chowing down on nothing but tofu and steamed broccoli, though, consider these helpful tips to win the battle of the bulge.

1. Watch ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians.’ You’ll drop five pounds from all the vomiting.

2. Order a Bowflex. We don’t know how lean you’ll get using it, but you’re sure to get a solid workout trying to put it together.

3. Kick your no-good, do-nothing brother-in-law out on the curb. You’ve supported him long enough. Just like that, you’ve shed 200 pounds — and got your couch back.

4. Break up with your significant other. It’s the Katy Perry diet. She did it and managed to shed 175 pounds. Coupled with your brother-in-law, you’ve now dropped a ‘Biggest Loser’-like 375 pounds. Way to go!

5. Become a regular viewer of ‘The Bachelor.’ You’re bound to knock off a few pounds laughing at the women who cry after not getting a rose from a guy they’ve known for 20 minutes.

6. Try something radical, such as eating well and exercising. Don’t be like other lazy Americans who think skipping the drive-thru so you can burn a few calories by walking into Burger King counts as healthy living.

7. Join a gym. After you sign, you’ll realize the club has an outrageous ‘cancellation fee’ that contains a ton of confusing clauses and conditions that will make you so sick you won’t be able to eat for days.

8. Work out at the gym. You’ll burn almost as many calories running around looking for a treadmill far from the overly-enthusiastic guy screaming “Feel the burn” as you will actually running on a treadmill.

9. Download an app that will suck the excess weight out of you. We’ve come so far with technology. Shouldn’t an app like that exist already? What’s the holdup?

10. Tell your wife she also put on a few pounds and then start running.

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