Hollywood Is Fed Up With Gwyneth Paltrow, Kim Kardashian Is Leaving the Country + More in This Week’s Tabloids
We read Star, OK!, Life & Style, National Enquirer and Us Weekly this week, so you don’t have to. It’s June, so you should be outside anyway.
What’s new? The Hollywood elite are finally as annoyed by Gwyneth Paltrow as the general public, Katie Holmes has a big ol’ “I’m over Tom” smile on her face, Miranda and Blake are having twins – twin affairs that is, Miley Cyrus has an achy breaky heart, and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.
Hollywood has turned on Gwyneth Paltrow. The poor dear is being ridiculed for being out of touch and mean. The Star says Jennifer Garner thinks Gwyn is the mean girl from high school, J.Lo thinks, “Most beautiful? That’s a joke,” and Angelina thinks she’s arrogant and pretentious.
To which Gwyneth will most likely reply, “It takes one to know one.” But only passive-aggressively through her holier-than-thou blog on Goop.
If you haven’t had a good fright yet this week, there’s a shocking claim about Justin Bieber: He’s a dad. We were surprised to find out he was capable of such things since his voice hasn’t even dropped yet, but it could be true anyway. Kanye West is just hoping the lucky lady is Kim Kardashian so he’ll be off the hook.
The good news is that it’s time to talk smack about Reese Witherspoon again. The bad news is, it’s not because of something new. An ex of Reese’s husband Jim Toth talked to Star and, of course, had only kind words about her former hubby — like, “He’s a slimy drunk.”
Because as you know, exes always remember things exactly as they were with no bitterness whatsoever. Always. Not bitter.
Oh, and Amanda Bynes has reportedly been trading sex for drugs. Concerned friends close to the struggling former child star have been desperately trying to warn her that this will ruin any chances she ever had of donating blood and getting free juice and cookies, but she just stared glassily and said, “Cookies? Do we have cookies?”
Katie Holmes has a new man. But only in OK! magazine. The minx has been hot and heavy with her sexy co-star, Luke Kirby, having private romantic lunches in her trailer. We’re just happy she’s eating again (whatever it is). The Cruise years were pretty lean for her.
OK! also touts amazing photos inside, but we’ve seen them and they just prove that the editors of OK! do not have a clear understanding of the meaning of the word “amazing.” So there’s that.
Plus, OK! has learned that Tom Cruise’s jealousy has erupted over Katie’s new “only in OK!” man. In fact, he was so pissed he allegedly showed up at Oprah’s house at 3 a.m. last Thursday just to jump on her couch in frustration.
Christina Aguilera has been kind enough to let us all know “how I lost 25 pounds in one month.” The photos of her without a head are pretty disturbing, but kudos to her on the weight loss anyway.
Brad Pitt has given Angelina Jolie an ultimatum. He said to his fianceé, “Marry me now!” Which has to be about the most romantic proposal we’ve ever heard. We would say that he swept her off her feet, but we know they’re rich so they have people who do all their sweeping for them.
Life & Style
It was good news on the cover for Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton last week, so if we do the math, that means bad news for couple this week. And Life & Style delivered!
It has the exclusive story of Miranda’s nights with another man. Now it’s Blake’s turn to have heartbreak after Miranda got close to a fellow country star on the road. Not that L & S is recycling their stories about the couple and just switching the names around or anything like that. This is for reals, you guys.
Get out your calendars, because there’s an intervention scheduled in the battle to save Amanda Bynes. TLC and Bravo are currently fighting over who will have the rights to air the debacle. Meanwhile, Twitter users can expect an incoherent missive from Bynes both during and every five to 10 minutes after the event. And maybe a festive new wig for the occasion!
Kim Kardashian is leaving America? Stop teasing us, tabloid overlords. But on the off-chance it’s true: Sorry, rest of the world. She’s your problem now, suckas.
Life & Style went inside J.Lo’s house and all they could say was, “Wow.” Apparently, Jenny from the Block has become Jenny who owns the block. It’s possible they also found Marc Anthony tied up inside a shoe box.
They’re no Miranda and Blake, but it seems like John Travolta and Kelly Preston are having some serious issues of their own.
First of all, gravity became a huge issue when Kelly collapsed after their $220 million divorce turned nasty. The divorce has now agreed to call her Miss Preston, but she still sobbed, “John will destroy me if I leave him.” But it could just be the drugs talking now that we know about her shocking cocaine and pot addiction.
You thought it was Justin Bieber, but the National Enquirer has discovered that Ann Curry is the neighbor from hell. She’s apparently always trying to fawn all over her neighbors and kiss their butts now that she doesn’t have celebrities to interview anymore. She also still gets up really early in the morning, and let’s be real — nobody appreciates that.
We knew it would happen once Ozzie fell off the wagon: Brad Pitt is back on drugs, having had a relapse over Angie’s cancer crisis. Well, it was time his personal habits actually matched his hair and beard scruff anyway.
America is on alert after a war hero was beheaded in London, having been butchered on a busy street by Islamic fanatics. If you were confused about whether this was officially a serious and tragic event, rest assured that it is — otherwise the National Enquirer wouldn’t be trying so hard to tastelessly exploit it to sell magazines.
Get ready to cry your eyes out. It’s over. Liam Hemsworth has dumped Miley Cyrus. The poor thing is crushed since Liam called off the wedding. And someone has already sent the magazine photos of the two ripped in half. (Such a time-saver, that.)
Of course, Us Weekly knows what tore them apart – both the couple and the photos – and why his family is so relieved.
All we can think about right now is Miley’s achy breaky heart. And that her dad’s annoying songs probably aren’t much help right now.
The weight of Christina Aguilera’s head clocked in a little lower on the Us Weekly scales. Either that or she’s not spilling the secrets of the last five pounds, because here she’s only claiming she lost 20 pounds.
She looks all kinds of wow, but those last five pounds are totes up to you.
We aren’t sure if it was Regular Kim, Pregnant Kim or Vain Kim, but one of the Kim Kardashians went on a wild baby spree and spent $4,000 on a crib. Probably so she could get one big enough to hold all the wild babies she scooped up during said spree. (They bite.)
Finally, if you’d rather see shows about drugs than do drugs – no, we’re not talking to you, Amanda Bynes – then you’ll be excited over the ‘Breaking Bad’ reunion that was captured in Aaron Paul’s wedding pics.
But if you’re over that show and into ‘Game of Thrones’ now, you probably don’t want to see anyone’s wedding pics after Sunday’s show. Because daaaaaaaamn.