Did you recently use a balloon as a means to:

1) Signal a friend's birthday?
2) Celebrate a graduation?
3) Disrupt the natural flow of a wildlife reserve?

Are you a lunatic? Why are you so intent on being an agent of chaos? Didn't you know Pennywise the clown uses balloons as implicit warning that he's about to kill a child, his preferred activity? You would know this if you saw the trailer for ITAndrés Muschietti's forthcoming two-part adaptation of Stephen King's classic novel about a clown who kills kids (the same one!).

Listen, I'm no conspiracy theorist, and have even been known to enjoy a good carouse now and again. But I would sooner play hopscotch across a series of bear traps than even consider decorating my house or discounted event space with balloons. I'm thinking about a balloon right now and am positively chilled!!!

Kindly remember that the 99 red balloons mentioned in 99 Luftballons plainly refer to the horrors of war (death among them!). A red balloon also manifested out of nowhere one time on The Real Housewives of New York City and a woman named Dorinda deduced for some reason that the red balloon was her dead professor husband's chosen posthumous host. Which like, okay, to each his own, but you can still put two and two together, brainiac: Red balloons may as well be unearthed landmines!


Didn't you know that the University of Nebraska releases a barrage of red balloons every year after its football team's first touchdown, and that this is harmful to "children and wildlife," according to this ESPN story that I found while researching the horrors of red balloons? Nebraska was of course like "hey, we use biodegradable natural latex and cotton strings" but who's even checking this? Are those even less dangerous than alternative? Do balloons hurt children by hitting the children when they fall from the sky, or is it more of a choking thing? Somebody's asleep at the wheel!

IT hits theaters on September 8.

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