‘Jersey Shore Massacre': A Live Blog
Yes, I did have a morbid curiosity in regards to ‘Jersey Shore Massacre,’ a new movie produced by Jennifer “JWoww” Farley who is best known for her participation in the MTV reality television series, ‘Jersey Shore.’ She is not best known for producing movies. When ‘Jersey Shore Massacre’ was released into theaters last week, it wasn’t playing anywhere near where I live – but, now, it’s available for all on VOD. So, on Thursday morning, I purchased ‘Jersey Shore Massacre’ and watched it in the comfort of my own home. While watching, I kept a running diary. Here’s how that all went:
10:36 a.m.: ‘Jersey Shore Massacre’ opens with mobsters in the woods.
10:38 a.m.: Two of the mobsters killed the third mobster for being “a rat.”
10:39 a.m.: Maybe that was the massacre? Is the movie over?
10:39 a.m.: All of the mobsters are dead. I have no idea what just happened.
10:39 a.m.: “Jwoww Productions” just flashed across my television screen and I laughed.
10:42 a.m.: We are now with a group of women who work at a hair salon.
10:43 a.m.: They all speak like Adriana La Cerva.
10:44 a.m.: There’s a lot of looking at the camera in this movie.
10:44 a.m.: All of the people we just met are going to the shore for the weekend.
10:45 a.m.: The line, “Don’t go hooking up with every guy in New Jersey just to prove you’re single,” was spoken. That’s solid advice in any situation.
10:46 a.m.: We just saw a road sign for “Entering New Jersey.” This didn’t already take place in New Jersey?
10:48 a.m.: Ron Jeremy is in this movie.
10:48 a.m.: Ron Jeremy is playing “Ronnie.”
10:48 a.m.: I can’t believe I am surprised that Ron Jeremy is in this movie.
10:48 a.m.: Ron Jeremy was in ‘Ghostbusters.’
10:49 a.m.: Ron Jeremy just spoke to some marijuana and said, “OK, pot, it’s just you and me.” This should be Ron Jeremy’s Oscar reel.
10:50 a.m.: This movie is worse than I thought it would be.
10:52 a.m.: So, the group couldn’t get a place to stay on the Jersey Shore, so they are instead staying in a house in the middle of the woods.
10:54 a.m.: I wish I were reading a book.
10:55 a.m.: This is a lot of screaming and a lot of profanity in this movie and no one other than those mobsters have been killed yet.
10:56 a.m.: Twenty minutes into this movie and we see our first dildo.
10:57 a.m.: “We are all veterinarians,” line that was spoken when she meant “vegetarian.” I can only assume Pikachu wrote this movie.
10:58 a.m.: The group decided to do something called “The Jersey Devil Tour.”
10:59 a.m.: This movie makes no sense.
11:03 a.m.: For the last five minutes, some guy has been telling the story of The Jersey Devil, with self-generated sound effects.
11:03 a.m.: I miss Michael Winslow.
11:07 a.m.: I just witnessed perhaps the worst scene in cinematic history. A father is building a sandcastle and his son brings over a bucket with a jellyfish inside. Then, a group of guys playing football destroy the sandcastle. When the father complains, one of the guys (a) uses a homophobic slur, then (b) throws the bucket in the air and the jellyfish falls on the father’s head and stings him. And scene.
11:08 a.m.: Now part of the group we’ve been with arrive at the beach, and drive over some turtle eggs in the process. What?
11:09 a.m.: One of the women left back at the house was just murdered.
11:12 a.m.: One of the women at the beach just farted, then defecated into the ocean.
11:12 a.m.: The father from earlier who was stung by the jellyfish just stepped in her poop.
11:13 a.m.: I want to turn my television off.
11:15 a.m.: I can only imagine the only direction given before every scene is, “Act as annoying as possible.”
11:16 a.m.: The guys who ruined the sandcastle are now friends with the women from the house. They are all at a loud bar together.
11:17 a.m.: A middle-aged man named Italian Ice is performing at this bar.
11:19 a.m.: This might be better than ‘Let’s Be Cops.’
11:20 a.m.: The entire group is now back at the house in the woods.
11:21 a.m.: They are watching a movie called ‘Fat Camp Massacre.’
11:22 a.m.: So, now I am watching ‘Fat Camp Massacre.” This movie is just showing extended clips from the movie that the people in the movie are watching.
11:24 a.m.: Someone in ‘Fat Camp Massacre’ is being killed by a person identifying himself as The Cupcake Clown.
11:24 a.m.: Why am I doing this to myself?
11:25 a.m.: A character died a full 16 minutes ago and it doesn’t seem to be much of an issue to any of these people.
11:25 a.m.: I just realized I don’t know any of these character’s names.
11:26 a.m.: This movie just got unexpectedly grotesque.
11:27 a.m.: A character was just roasted in a tanning bed.
11:28 a.m.: I think I hate this movie.
11:32 a.m.: Every time a woman is killed, her breasts are shown.
11:36 a.m.: One of the guys just walked into the woods by himself. I bet he gets killed.
11:40 a.m.: Yeah, he’s dead now.
11:41 a.m.: ‘Jersey Shore Massacre’ jumps back and forth from comically terrible and disturbingly grim.
11:41 a.m.: I’m going to stop writing things down for a little bit.
11:48 a.m.: I think there are only two people still alive.
11:50 a.m.: A woman asks the villain why he’s doing this, the villain responds, “It’s a Jersey thing.” Huh.
11:51 a.m.: Remember the dad who stepped in the poop? Remember the turtle shells? What did that have to do with anything?
11:54 a.m.: I wish this were over.
11:55 a.m.: The villain’s head is on fire.
11:55 a.m.: He’s fine now.
11:58 a.m.: Ron Jeremy is back.
11:58 a.m.: Ron Jeremy’s acting voice sounds a lot like Jon Lovitz.
11:59 a.m.: Ron Jeremy gets the last line of the movie and it’s an innuendo about his penis.
11:59 a.m.: I’m going to take a shower.
Mike Ryan has written for The Huffington Post, Wired, Vanity Fair and GQ. He is the senior editor of ScreenCrush. You can contact him directly on Twitter.