Planning a bunch of awesome practical jokes and pranks to pull on your friends and loved ones on April 1st? Don’t.

Everyone’s expecting it, and your prank, whether it be covering a coworker’s cubicle in foil or filling someone’s car with shaving cream, has been done to death. Serious pranksters view April Fool’s Day the same way alcoholics view Saint Patrick’s Day or how terrible boyfriends who perpetually disappoint their significant other view Valentine’ Day; it’s amateur hour. That doesn’t mean you can’t use the expectation of pranks to your advantage and improve your life for the better. And we’re telling you how.


Use a Prank to Secretly Test The Boundaries of Your Relationship

Are things going great with your girlfriend but you’ve been hesitant to bring up certain desires of yours? April Fool’s Day is the perfect day to broadcast your wants and needs in a safe environment. And by “safe environment” we mean you can play it off as a joke if she reacts terribly.

So here’s your chance to reveal that you want her cute friend to join you all in the bedroom. If you get a bad reaction just yell “April Fool’s! How ridiculous would that be?” Then look her dead in the eye and say “would it be?”. If you want to try to get into some BDSM, leave some bondage gear around the apartment. If she seems pissed remind her that it’s April 1st and that the sex toys are non-returnable. Be sure to put heavy emphasis on “non-returnable”.

She may try to turn the tables and try to convince you she’s pregnant, which would be a good time to see how she feels about the wisdom teeth surgery actually being a vasectomy.


Use April Fool’s Day to Break Bad News to Someone

When we were young, our grandfather once told us of how a close friend and business associate of his who gradually stole what would amount to a sizeable amount of money. He would later reveal this transgression on Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement. Now some, such as Lady Justice, may think the lesson from this story is embezzlement is bad. But we think the true mistake was choosing Yom Kippur to come clean.

Everyone’s expecting people to come out of the woodwork with revelations of deceit. That’s why April 1st is such a great day to wash the blood from your hands regarding any awful deed you’ve committed in the past year. Your friend, or “victim”, will just assume that any terrible thing you admit to is just a hilarious prank done in the spirit of the ‘holiday’. Better yet, the more emphatic you are about your admission not being an April Fool’s prank, the more they will just assume you are committing to the joke.

If you’re admitting to something that may wind up with serious legal ramifications, use this chance to “sell the joke” even further by having them sign a “binding document waiving their rights to engage you in litigation”. By the time your friend will start wondering about whether you were being serious when you said you robbed them blind, you’re already in the Barbados, absolved of any wrong doing. How’s that for Atonement?


Perform the Ultimate Prank: Don’t Prank Anyone

Still insistent on earning the crown of prankster supreme? We heartily suggest that the greatest prank to play on your loved ones is to leave them alone. Granted, this is only an amazing prank if you’ve spent weeks, ideally months, performing cruel and borderline psychologically abusive jokes on them, followed by periodic warnings that April Fool’s Day will be “your greatest triumph yet”. This will put your friends in a Nixonian state of fear and paranoia. When the big day finally comes, relax, periodically sending ominous texts such as “watch your back” and “it’s coming…”. If you run in to your friends in person, kindly offer them snacks and sodas. By the end of the day you will have hopefully triggered a nervous breakdown. Warmly embrace your victim, chiding them for having such low expectations for you. Any amateur can play a simple prank, a true pro understands that the mind is the real prankster’s playground.

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