Timmy’s Timely Tips: Surviving Friday the 13th!
It's here again -- the day we've been dreading since the last one that happened in last April: the horrible Friday the 13th! Now if you suffer from paraskevidekatriaphobia or just have a simple fear of all things hockey, I have some helpful tips for surviving Friday the 13th! Keep these in mind coming up in December, that's when the next one will happen!
We all know the big three that the films taught us: no premarital sex, don't turn around (especially while running), and DON'T GO CAMPING!
But here are some lesser-known tips that will keep you safe and sound today:
10 - Eat Your Veggies... makes you strong, so you can fight or flight!
9 - Don't break the chain e-mail... you know what will happen if you don't forward that on to 10 friends.
8 - Always wear protection... I'm not talking about the type for your lil Jason... I'm talking football pads, helmet, shin guards, etc. The more padding the better.
7 - Double Tap... let's say it does come down to an epic battle to the death... and you win... assume the bad guy is still alive and do like Zombieland and double tap!
6 - Stay fully clothed... yes this goes along with the sex rule, but if the movie Psycho taught us anything, showers aren't even safe. Best to wear a cardigan at all times.
5 - Wear comfy shoes... if a maniac is chasing you, it's better to be in sneakers than flip flops so you don't go and "Jimmy Buffet" yourself!
4 - Keep your chubby friends close. In that type of situation, it's every man for themselves... be faster than the other man. If you survive, you can tell the tale of his bravery.
3 - Don't go to investigate... unless you have a Great Dane named Scooby, things will not work out well for you.
2 - Keep your automobile in good working order... it's a good thing to schedule a routine check-up and oil change on your car for Wednesday the 11th. That way you have a buffer day. And never trust an Uber... they've been doing enough damage lately.
1 - Don't talk to strangers... be nice to everyone, but don't engage in conversations with people you don't know. A nice polite wave and a smile is all you need to do. This way you don't risk boring someone or having someone take an "interest" in you or your skin. Next thing you know you're in a friendly "Play Pit" being given stuff via a basket.
Bonus tips... if any one movie taught me anything about surviving a horror movie, it's "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." Always have a towel... and most importantly... DON'T PANIC!