Describe the Job You Currently Have Like It Is a Crime

I was perusing reddit when I came across a question from TimeMasterBob asking people to describe their job but make it sound like a crime. The answers are hilarious so I took it to Facebook and you all did not disappoint.

Can you guess what some of these jobs are?

• I drive fast and disregard the rules of the road on my way to break into peoples homes and cause immense water damage. Afterwards I tear down their ceilings and drywall, and leave without cleaning anything - Mike
• I am a drug dealer - Tyler Johnson
• I spend someone else's money - Richard
• I bring you into a cold room and make you feel safe and warm...and then I help someone give you drugs to put you to sleep and sometimes paralyze you. I then take some of your clothes off and prep your body for someone to cut into you - Brooke Zirkle
• I break into your mind via your eyes and ear canals, while abusing your ear drums methodically hitting them with highs and lows and seducing your eyes to gaze without a blink. - Luke Clark
• I corrupt children - Rojas
• I bring you into a room with dim lighting, make you change out of your normal clothes, put your body in uncomfortable positions to see what you look like on the inside and examine the little details of your bones, some of which are broken - Rebecca Richey
• Bring you into the office the office telling you its a simple procedure only to have all your teeth pulled while you leave the office with a bloody mouth and not being able to speak. - Martha Henderson
• I collect as much personal information from you as I possibly can. Maybe even call you a few more times to get more and then I fac it ALL to the government - Sarah Aubrey
• I hang out and play with your kids - Barbara Schorzman