I dedicate the Britney Spears song "(You Drive Me) Crazy" to all the legislators in Olympia, for causing me so much stress about potentially committing the new proposed traffic violations for distracted driving!

Yes, I like to eat cheeseburgers in the car.

Yes, I put on chapstick and lipstick in the car.

Heck, I even use one of my so-called F-I-N-G-E-R-S to program my Google Maps on my cell phone.

Here comes the law, making me a smooth criminal for doing all of the above. There are lobbyists out there are thisclose to persuading our WA State law makers to ban any use of our fingers altogether.

Pretty soon it's going to be a scary thing to drive anymore because starting in 2019, it will be a big, fat traffic ticket for you if you're caught holding a cell phone, eating anything or grooming yourself. Do not pass go, pay $245! Source: Yakima Herald

Look, I certainly understand that these distracted driving laws were put in place to prevent unnecessary death and injury tolls, but let's not get carried away! Clicking "start" on your map app, will there be a 'minimal finger test' for that? If so, does your finger have to walk in a straight line? Just how will they determine what is "minimal"? See how ridiculous this is getting? Finger shaming? Is this what we're doing now?


Why stop there? If you're gonna be gung ho about punishing distracted drivers, go big or go home, or then maybe THEY should start paying for us all to take UBER! (I realize that I surely sound as though I'm shouting my words as you're reading this, but I'm just being a bit facetious--not while driving, of course, that may someday be a crime, too.)

There are plenty more things that people do in the car that are certainly deserving of receiving expensive traffic tickets, ruined driving records, unnecessary time-wasting trips to the courthouse, and absurd car insurance increases! I'm here to help lobbyists and legislators in our state capitol in their quest to make it an absolutely terrifying experience to drive anywhere for any reason whatsoever! Isn't that the goal? They can thank me later!

  1. Kids and Babies: Those little heathens bickering in the back seat are raising a ruckus and you decide to tell them to knock it of, or your sweet little newborn popped out the binky and starts wailing. Welp, too bad, they distracted you, and therefore, you AND your kids, are moving violations.You all deserve tickets.
  2. Music: You hear one of your favorite songs in the car and think "That's my jam' I'm dancing!"; our legislators think: "I SEE DOLLAR SIGNS, YO!"
  3. Breathing: Sometimes you'll be laughing, coughing, talking, gossiping or sneezing while driving. Oops, looks like you're a terrible driver and you deserve a traffic ticket.
  4. Lust: There you are minding your own business driving, and all of a sudden you see a hot person jogging on the sidewalk.You think to yourself "Ooh, he or she is so fine!" You got distracted by lust, ergo, you should get a ticket.
  5. Dogs in the car: Someone's adorable and happy canine is hanging out of a car window enjoying the breeze and the sights, and you happen to see it while driving and think to yourself "Aww, how cute!" That is distracted driving.
  6. Thinking about anything in general: You might be feeling stressed about Money woes, Heartbreak troubles, Worried you'll be late to wherever, etc. and that is a distraction in and of itself. That is a moving violation.
  7. Waving: You see someone you know-YOU. ARE. DISTRACTED.
  8. Scratching: Sometimes it itches and you are hereby distracted by the sensations!
  9. Turning Your Neck: If you want to see an accident or looking one way to see if those pedestrians will EVER finish walking across the street.
  10. Getting Lost: But the GPS said to turn on S. 25th Street, but there IS no S. 25th Street off Nob Hill! TOO BAD!
  11. Driving At Night: Too many things are distracting you while driving, like cats running in front of your car or squinting to see where you're going in dimly lit neighborhoods. Those things actually deserve the ticket, but here you are driving, so you're now responsible for all of that.
  12. Bugs: Flying onto your windshield and you get distracted turning on the wiper blades to kill em!
  13. Being In Love: You are distracted by the thought of seeing or being with your boo thang-and that should be a CRIME!
  14. Sipping: How dare you quench your thirst with that cup of coffee or Powerade! You are a MONSTER who should not be on our public roads!
  15. Stretching at a stop light: You are being distracted by the sound of your popping bones!
  16. Not proceeding when the light turns Green: If you are that person in front of others and you are not taking off when the light turns green, you are obviously distracted by something and therefore, committing the offense of negligent driving! TICKET!
  17. Being Too Young: You are distracted by anger because of yelling at or glaring at the elderly person over the age of 80 who is driving at least 5-10 mph below the speed limit in your lane.
  18. Being Happy: You are being distracted by happy thoughts about whatever, and THAT is a definite No-No! You should be reported to your car insurance company IMMEDIATELY!
  19. Reading Street Signs: You are too busy paying attention to the name of streets to find your destination, and you should be paying attention to DRIVING instead! Criminal offense!!
  20. Changing the radio station: You are being distracted by searching for something you find pleasing to listen to instead of paying attention to driving. Question your sense of judgement.

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