An Open Letter to Yakima Valley Thieves and Beyond: You Suck!

It's all just stuff. We accumulate a bunch of earthly possessions that we won't be taking with us into the great beyond but we still have attachments to things. So when someone breaks into our storage units, cars, or houses and steals what they think is a vase but is actually an urn filled with your Father's ashes, it makes you feel a certain way.

Theft has been around since the beginning of time but there are certain moments, that makes me want to scream at the unresourceful lowlife scum that has chosen to take from others. This isn't you hustling, this is you being a waste of space. You know it and it's time to do better.

While scrolling through Facebook last night I came across a gut-wrenching post from a former colleague and friend who just experienced the unthinkable, their storage unit was broken into. So if someone tries to sell any of the below items at pawn shops and you notice. Reach out, please. This is a long shot but worth it in my opinion.

Fannntastic.

Some asshats broke into the Medford-area storage unit I had to rent when I lost my sister a few years ago. Took a trunk full of toys/childhood mementos from my mom, my sister and me. The trunk had been in my mom’s family since the 1880s — about all I had left of her. They also made off with a wooden hutch my father made. None of that stuff will mean a damn thing to the people who took it, but it kind of rips out my heart. Thieves are at the bottom of the food chain if you ask me. Tonight, I don’t give a damn how desperate they were.

No one is perfect, shoot I stole a candy bar when I was little. I ate it right after so when it came time for confession I also chose to lie to the Father I confessed it to and when he told me to bring it back I said, "Sure thing, I will get right on that." I also once stole lipstick that was shaped like a penis. Why? Because I was a little ****bird, I went through a klepto phase I suppose. Not proud of it but turning your stealing into a career is one of the dumbest moves I've heard of. Times are tough but if you carve out a bit of your day to make a game plan, that doesn't involve taking from other people. You might be shocked at where you end up. You can do this. Or not. But either way, we're all on the lookout so you better watch it because you're going to get caught.