It’s Been 368 Days Since I Had My Last Cigarette
Trust, this isn't me on a soap box. This is me, opening up about my addictions and letting you know you are not alone.
Um, lets see. I am addicted to food, technology, approval ... but what I am no longer addicted to? Cigarrets.
Look at me! I will toot my own horn. Last year at this time I was the skinniest I had ever been and I felt FANTASTIC. I was working out three times a week, rocking a new style and really loving life. In the back of my head, quitting cigarrets had been rolling around for a bit so when that happens, I usually go for it. With no hesitation I decided instead of waiting until New Years to attempt a resolution and failing like I had done many times before I was going to celebrate the start of my birthday month, March, by quitting smoking.
February 28th, 2019 I went cold turkey, I put myself out there, let listeners know and then I stuck to my guns. I didn't remove myself from being around smokers I just made a conscious effort to fight through the cravings. Finding things to distract myself with, to get through the worst parts of it. I went from missing it every second of every day, to missing it occasional to even thinking it smelled gross. Sometimes. There are moments that I STILL crave a cig but my lungs feel better, I feel better. I know this is super important to my overall health, even if the side effects of quitting made other addictions come forward.
Right after I posted the above video last year, a few things happened behind the scenes.
1) Someone complained about the fact I was spending time at the gym during work hours
2) Someone complained about the outfit I was wearing
3) I absorbed both comments instead of brushing them off
I am not blaming anyone or calling them out because we ALL have to deal with outside influences, situations where people pick at us. It's our job to take a deep breath and keep pushing forward, that being said, my need to make everyone else happy thereby making myself happy was so strong I stopped going to the gym almost immediatley.
I had a routine that was working really well for me so instead of making a slight adjustment, I started blowing it off. Epically blowing it off while not making adjustments to how I was eating. The hidden stress of not working off the extra steam came through in a few different ways, one of the biggest and most impactful for me was the food cravings and I caved to every single one of them.
For a long time it didn't effect my weight, which was awesome and so incredibly niave of me because once it started to stick, it didn't stop. Once I realized what was happening I couldn't find the motivation stop myself. I kept hoping that it would just click back to how it was.
If you follow Get It Right! Get It Tight! and my Tales from the Scale you might have noticed I was all over the place from that point forward. I tried a push up challenge, try to get other people to join me, challenge me. A squat challenge, later I attempted a pilates challenge. I needed something to get me motivated again and nothing was working. I was invited to work-out with flipping navy seals and police officers. It had been so long since I worked out, I felt like I was dying. I thought maybe that would get me rocking back into gear because I finished the work-out but I didn't go back :( Still super grateful for the invite to this day!
I've gone to the gym probably five times this past year. OMG! I say it out loud and that seems stupid. Last year I went an average of 208 times.
Tomorrow I'll step on the scale and tell you what I am really looking at but as I chose my outfit this morning I mentally was picking myself apart.
Where I ALMOST had gotten to a flat stomach, even in tights my belly is kind of sticking out. I was sad. I say all these things not to have you say, "oh, Sarah, you look amazing" I say these things because you are not alone.
This is the aftermath of me dropping an addiction, I'm a work in progress and I know that. That is why I won't allow the excuse, the lies that we tell ourselves, that we need it.
You want it. You don't need it.
You didn't always crave this, if you had never tried it you wouldn't even know that you want it. And if you are still wanting to smoke that ok. You do you but if you are wanting to quit, it's possible. You're not going to die by quitting but also no one can do it for you. You are better than your addictions, you are a strong person and even when you are weak you are still kicking butt because you are here.
We all struggle, we all fight demons and act like we are the only ones who are pushing boulders up hills. I suppose the answer to that is stop. For a second, can you just stop? Take a few deep breaths and say something nice to yourself. Now keep doing it. Every time a negative thought starts rolling around in your head. Grab it, put it on the palm of your hand and flick that **** off!
Life is too short to wallow and even though from time to time it's normal to have an off day we can choose to pick ourselves up and if that's not the case, reach out please. Switch it up but always keep moving.
Tonight, I am going back to the gym. What's your plan?